Remember back before you were married. What did you think it would be like?

We enter into marriage with expectations of the roles we’ll play and the kind of spouse our boyfriend or girlfriend will be. But what happens when life doesn’t turn out that way? Maybe you wish your husband was more involved with the kids or that your wife wasn’t so bossy.

For many couples, marriage looks more like a TV sitcom than the romantic comedy we dreamed about. He tries hard but he still feels like he’s the punchline of a joke, instead of her knight in shining armor. When she speaks she cringes because her voice sounds more like the nagging, wicked stepmother than the princess at the ball.

In the Bible, God shows us a picture of marriage unlike anything we see on TV. Couples are called to mutual submission, honoring each other’s strengths and showing grace for each other’s weaknesses. Rather than competing with each other, they support one another’s desires and dreams.

When Peter calls women the “weaker” partners, he’s not saying they are morally or intellectually inferior. He’s calling men to protect, respect, and serve their wives, to see them as partners in a culture where women were especially vulnerable to attack or abuse.

To women, Peter says, “do not give way to fear” (1 Peter 3:6). The fear that he’ll leave, or drop the ball, or do something wrong will always lead us to the most controlling versions of ourselves. To cultivate “a gentle and quiet spirit” takes courage. The courage to be vulnerable with your spouse, to listen when the Holy Spirit says, “Hold your tongue,” and to trust God to bring change in His time and His way.

Marriage in the Bible is a picture of mutual submission. Submission is a scary word in our modern world. But submission in the Bible is not abusive or domineering. It’s both partners willingly putting the other first out of love and respect for God and each other. It’s choosing to be united rather than being right.